HOW TO READ THE NEW YORK TIMES BOOK REVIEW "Rich," a friend says to me, "I wanna be well-read, too, but I don't want to waste my time reading garbage." "Sounds reasonable." "So I try reading the New York Times Book Review. Only I can't make heads or tails out of what these reviewers are saying. It's like they're talking in code or something." So I looked through last week's book review, pulled out some troublesome phrases, and interpreted for my friend. Here then, is the result: WHEN THEY SAY: THEY REALLY MEAN: -------------- ---------------- "--Michener's huge, sprawling The first page was too far work may appear intimidatingly from the last, but I get large at first glance--" the feeling the author is hung like a baby's forearm. "--the result is as It sucked but I learned exasperating as it is something. edifying" "--the whole novel seems to I read it while taking a exist in a compressed atmosphere" dump. "--writers are one of the state Oh no, not another Stephen of Maine's bumper crops" King novel. "--Even when it is not repetitious It really sucked, and I the writing is flaccid. " suspect the author is impotent. "--one of the dangers in writing Hmmm, what *is* on TV about TV is--" right now? Cool, that new Martika video. "--there are errors of fact" He lied. "--is problematic" Sucked moose. "--in a very real sense" In a pig's eye. "--But the author seems compelled Either the author had to repeat himself" Mexican food for lunch, or the author is Billy Joel. "--restless,clever prose" words that can't sleep but can solve tricky logic Problems "--this small, charming book" no threat to my soon-to-be-published magnum opus "--simply done, yet with a lot see above of meaning packed into its little format" "--pays homage to" plagiarizes "--is a noted masturbates often and deconstructionist" with great gusto ------------------------------------------------------- Hope this helps.